My Perfect Wrong Timing

To the man of my prayers, see you in God's perfect time. When that time comes, rest assured that I am ready to have a full partnership with you and with God as the center

 
 
September 6, 2018
Thursday, 9:50am
Bukidnon Davao
 
I've been praying and waiting for this day to come, to meet the man my heart is missing but time and circumstances did not permit us.
Siguro ganun nga talaga. Hindi lahat ng prayers mo the answer is "YES". This time, I got a "NO" for an answer from the Lord or maybe, my hopeful and stubborn heart is saying "NOT NOW". 

Papunta siya dito ngayon sa bukidnon from davao, ako naman papuntang davao from bukidnon. A perfectly wrong timing.

I am travelling na puno ng pain and sadness yung puso ko.

Sabi nila at pinaniniwalaan ko naman, "Everything happen for a reason". If only I could have a glimpse of what God is planning to do.
All I could ever do right now is to put my full trust in Him that He knows what he is doing, that He is the great author of love and what he is preparing for me, for us is the best.
 
That guy is the person na nagpabago sa pananaw ko sa buhay, sa mga pinaniniwalaan at prinsipyo ko.
He challenged my point of views. I could say I am not the same person five months ago. He brought so much changes in my life. 
In his ways and I didn't know how but he brings out the best in me. 
Whenever i'm with him, there is a desire in my heart that I want to become the best for him. Ang daling maging mabait kapag kasama ko siya.

He became God's instrument to redirect into something better, to shape me into a woman He has called me to be.

He is the guy na unexpectedly natutunan kung mahalin, a man I didn't see coming, my unexpected person.

It is so hard to let go. It is so hard to give him up. 

I know that I could wait for him no matter how long because I love him that much.


For the very first time of my life I am able to imagine myself being with someone whom I want to spend my lifetime , my best years with,creating our life adventure together with our future children.

I could imagine myself walking in the aisle while he is waiting for me at the altar. Yes, he is the person I want to marry someday when we are both ready.
He is the person I want to see the moment I woke up in the morning and the person I want to say goodnight to before I close my eyes.

He is the very first person I ever imagined to grow a family with, to be the father of my children and my partner in serving God. I want to give him all the love that I hid for a long time and to our future family.

It is so funny that I could even hear the sound of laughter and the running footsteps of our kids echoing inside the house as they play around while I am preparing for our meals or snacks.

I could imagine to let him the first one to taste my new discovered dishes.

I could imagine us enjoying our breakfast, lunch or dinner together while talking about our everyday's happening.

I could imagine myself sitting in the couch reading my favorite book while waiting for him to come home and ask him how his day was.

I could imagine myself giving him a massage on his shoulder when he's having a rough and stressful day, to cheer him up when he is so down, to be his crying shoulder and will lock him in my embrace when his heart is too heavy to bear and he needs to cry it out, to be his safety net in case he will fall. 

I love him so much and I never thought this kind of love could be so real that its so imposibble for me to just let him go.
And just a merely thought of not having him in my life is tormenting.

For the very first time, I feel so free to love a person, without any reservations, to show that I care and to let him know that he matters.

For the very first time, I experienced such kind of happiness that I thought never exist. Doing even those very simple things with him makes me happy and complete. 

He made me realize that having a fancy date or going to a beautiful places is not what really matters. What matter is the person your dating with or travelling with, the person your doing things together with.

If only I could just live inside my head because that same person said to me he wanted me to let go because he doesn't feel the same way. He said to me that I should not wait for him any longer because there is no hope for us in the future.

Hearing those words from him pierced me to the core. I couldn't describe the pain that I'm feeling. I could feel it all over my body that I don't have the strength to get up. Its excruciating, it is tearing me apart. 
I broke down into tears, I don't know what to do as if my life was finally over.  

And now, our story has come to an end.
He is my closed door, my unrequited love, my very sad story. (Ending na nga ba talaga?)

I don't know if I could start anew. I don't know how to redeem myself back to its old state after being so drown in love and pain. I don't know where to start. It is as if my time stops.

BUT God said in

Psalms 34:18 
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.


The Lord reminded me of the prayer I prayed many years ago.
"LORD, you are the best writer of lovestory and binibigay ko na yung ballpen at papel sayo. I pray ihatag ko nimu sa lalaki nga ga pray sa imuha nga ihatag ko nimu sa iyaha."

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has so seek Him just to find her."
           -anonymous

He must find Him (God) first before he recognises me.

God had promised me, in His time I  will meet the man who shares the same dreams,the same faith, the same hope and the same desires with me. And in our lovestory, he will be the first one to recognize me.

I had two heartbreaks before I met that man. 
And at that time,I earnestly prayed to Him, "Lord, this time, make me  fall in love with the person you want me to marry someday." And whoever will be my next boyfriend,he will be the man I will say "yes" to bring me to the altar.
This time I will just allow God to make things turn out into my favor.

I already forgot that prayer but God remembered and the moment I prayed he is already working for He is the God who listens to the outcry of his people. God is not deaf nor blind. I know that it is also painful for Him seeing me hurting.I understand that He wants me to endure it for a little while because He is not yet finish with me. Marami pang twist ang mangyayari.

GOD WANTS ME TO TRUST HIM EVEN MORE.

Though I am in pain and full of sorrow, I know this too shall pass. I just hope that one day, my love for him, I will learn to forget and to just place him in the hands of God.

I just hope that God would give me the courage and strength to let him go and if he ever comes back, then maybe because he finally finds his home.
I know it will not be easy but God is my strength. 
 

             

Lord Jesus, thank you for letting me experience this. I offer myself to you, my shattered heart and broken dreams. You are close to the broken hearted and I am coming to you right now with a broken heart.  Lord I pray for that man that you have in mind for me, someone you are preparing for me to meet at your appointed time, someone like him or much better... 

yung I wont beg for his love and attention, yung taong mamahalin ako ng sobra sobra, can be a good father to our future children, a responsible, dependable partner. loving and caring, has a sense of humor.. Yung hindi magsasawang makinig sa mga kwento ko, my bestfriend, my manly, moreno and future handsome husband.. I pray he has the heart that loves you more than he loves me.. Thank you Lord for giving me to Him... Please tell him na nandito pa ako naghihintay sa kanya. Please tell him to pray for me cause im really having a hard time. Please tell him that I will take care of myself for him. Please tell him that I will patiently and faithfully wait for his coming.

To the man of my prayers, see you in God's perfect time. When that time comes, rest assured that I am ready to have a fullpartnership with you and with God as the center of our relationship.

-Your Other Half, Your Future, Your Love

Heavenly Celestine

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